United States - Desperate local authorities have seen resources stretched to the breaking point as they struggle to revive people stricken with boredom while watching televised coverage of the 2006 Winter Olympics from Turin, Italy.

	Americans are struggling to stay awake watching coverage of the Winter Olympics

Millions of people, including past Winter Olympic medallists, are finding themselves unable to generate even faux excitement watching American athletes compete in cold weather sports like hockey, speed skating, or cross country skiing.  The addition of newer, phony sports like snowboarding, trick skiing, and curling has so far failed to create any up-tick in viewer excitement.

Most Americans blame the demise of the former Soviet Union for a lack of interest in the Winter Games.  "Oh, back when we had the Soviets to root against at least is was interesting to watch," said local bartender Brett Baxter.  "Since it was a Cold War the Olympics were always sort of a metaphoric war we fought every four years.  You knew the commie bastards were cheating, they were basically professionals; and that's why it was always sweet to see our clean cut American boys beat them fair and square."

For others, the specter of nuclear annihilation doesn't offset the political drama of the Olympics during the Cold War.

"What did the Winter Olympics ever change?" wonders Harvard political science professor Leonard Kreskin, "the Miracle on Ice would have gone unnoticed had a groggy and victory starved nation not been emerging from the dark ages referred to as the Carter years."

Even hockey doesn't draw attention in America, a nation with an affinity for team sports. Most Americans are unclear on the rules of hockey to begin with and the addition of NHL talent to the Olympic roster has robbed the game of its only compelling aspect - unpaid US college kids competing against the so-called amateurs from the former Soviet bloc and Europe.

The rampant boredom has left state and local authorities thin on resources as they are constantly beseeched by calls from frantic family members unable to awaken sleeping relatives.

It is unknown if boredom with the Winter Olympics is causing some civil servants to sleep through their shifts, exacerbating the crisis.  Many departments have reported an increase in absenteeism.  Police and firefighter unions say understaffing has caused the same kind of stress endured by authorities in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina - but on a global scale.

"Those compelled to watch the Olympics should take the proper precautions by setting at least two back-up alarm clocks. Olympic related absences will be considered unexcused," read a notice distributed through International Brotherhood of Police Officers and Night Watchpersons.

 

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